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Francesca Specter10 November 2022

Alonement: How To Be Alone And Happy - Francesca Specter

3Frameworks
14Insights

Episode overview

Ali Abdaal interviews Francesca Specter about “alonement,” her term for intentional, positive time alone, and how she developed the idea after recognizing her habit of escaping solitude. They discuss practical solitude skills—including scheduling appealing solo activities, journaling, meditation, and balancing alone time with secure relationships. The conversation also explores intentional leisure, resisting externally imposed “shoulds,” and building a fulfilling, financially viable creative career without prematurely abandoning stable work.

Key ideas

  • Alonement means intentional, positive time alone and is positioned as the opposite end of a spectrum from loneliness.
  • Solitude is a learnable skill: schedule it, plan something genuinely appealing, and build the capacity gradually through small solo challenges.
  • Journaling and meditation can improve emotional regulation, making it easier to remain with uncomfortable thoughts instead of reflexively seeking distraction.
  • Healthy alone time strengthens relationships by helping people approach friends and partners from desire and positive energy rather than panic or neediness.
  • The quality of a solo activity depends more on intentional choice than cultural hierarchies that label books productive and video games frivolous.
  • Replacing externally imposed “should” with “could,” and “have to” with “get to,” can reveal genuine values and reduce fear-based motivation.
  • Creative career changes should be grounded in personal values, transferable skills, calculated financial risk, and experimentation alongside existing employment.

Transcript available · source text is retained privately and is not published

Frameworks in this episode

Self-Mastery6 steps

Alonement: Solitude Skills Practice

Turn time alone into a scheduled, planned, positive practice you look forward to

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Mindset4 steps

Should to Could Reframe

Convert fear-driven obligation into curiosity-driven choice by swapping one word

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Communication4 steps

The Trifold Thought Process

Move a raw reaction through private, semi-private and public before you publish it

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People & resources mentioned

Attributed to the moment in the episode. Timestamps are approximate.

People · 15

  • Ali AbdaalMentionsthe ongoing podcast where every week I get the chance to sit down with inspiring authors, entrepreneurs, creators, and other inspiring people.

    “what you're about to hear is an interview between me and Franchesca Spectre”

    ▶ Watch at ~0:00approx.
  • Francesca SpecterMentionsFranchesca Spectre who is the author of the book alement

    “Franchesca Spectre who is the author of the book alement”

    ▶ Watch at ~0:00approx.
  • Dr Tara SwartMentionsDr Tara swart who is a neuroscientist and psychiatrist

    “Dr Tara swart who is a neuroscientist and psychiatrist”

    ▶ Watch at ~15:30approx.
  • Dan Murray-SerterCoinedthe founder Dan who we actually had on season one of the Deep dive podcast

    “Dan morto who was the founder of heights”

    ▶ Watch at ~15:30approx.
  • Michael E. GerberCoinedthe e- myth Revisited by Michael Gerber

    “the e- myth Revisited by Michael Gerber”

    ▶ Watch at ~18:00approx.
  • Nir EyalMentionsa man called near Al who um's yeah he's um you know writes amazing things

    “I am quite influenced by uh maybe you P him on the podcast a man called near Al”

    ▶ Watch at ~20:00approx.
  • Cal NewportMentionskind of like C newort around you know technology and addiction

    “kind of like C newort around you know technology and addiction”

    ▶ Watch at ~20:00approx.
  • Donald WinnicottCoineda child psychologist Donald winot famously Roa paper on how to be alone

    “a child psychologist Donald winot famously Roa paper on how to be alone”

    ▶ Watch at ~36:30approx.
  • AristotleMentionsI think Aristotle used to use um emonic happiness

    “I think Aristotle used to use um emonic happiness”

    ▶ Watch at ~46:30approx.
  • Rupi KaurMentionsI went to see rupe Core last night the poet

    “I went to see rupe Core last night the poet”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:06:30approx.
  • Steven BartlettMentionsSteve went from being a completely broke college dropout to founding a company called Social Chain

    “I was listening to Steve Bartlett's interview with lisis Capaldi”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:11:00approx.
  • Lewis CapaldiMentionswhat Lis Capaldi was saying was that like the thing he's realized

    “what Lis Capaldi was saying was that like the thing he's realized”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:11:30approx.
  • Lewis HowesCoineda podcast called School of greatness by lisis hose

    “a podcast called School of greatness by lisis hose”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:29:30approx.
  • Cal NewportMentionskind of like C newort around you know technology and addiction

    “I was speaking to Cal newort about this as well”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:35:00approx.
  • Elizabeth GilbertCoinedBig magic um by uh Liz Gilbert who is the woman who wrote um e Pray Love

    “Big magic um by uh Liz Gilbert who is the woman who wrote um e Pray Love”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:43:00approx.

Resources · 29

  • Alonement: How to Be Alone and Absolutely Own ItRecommendsbook · Francesca Specter

    “Franchesca Spectre who is the author of the book alement which is basically a guide on how to spend time by yourself”

    ▶ Watch at ~0:00approx.
  • WordPressUsessoftware · Automattic

    “what was it it was you know it was WordPress”

    ▶ Watch at ~12:00approx.
  • SquarespaceUsessoftware · Squarespace, Inc.

    “I'm now on um Squarespace”

    ▶ Watch at ~12:00approx.
  • HeightsUsesproduct · Heights

    “Heights is a brain care smart supplement that I've actually been taking for the last 12 months”

    ▶ Watch at ~15:30approx.
  • HeightsRecommendsproduct · Heights

    “I also happen to be an investor in the company because I believe in the product”

    ▶ Watch at ~16:30approx.
  • ShortformRecommendswebsite · Shortform

    “short form is the world's best service that summarizes books”

    ▶ Watch at ~17:00approx.
  • The E-Myth RevisitedRecommendsbook · Michael E. Gerber

    “it's probably one of the books I've most recommended to people who are in that stage where they're scaling up a business”

    ▶ Watch at ~18:00approx.
  • ShortformUseswebsite · Shortform

    “one book I've recently Revisited on short form is in fact the e- myth Revisited”

    ▶ Watch at ~18:00approx.
  • The E-Myth RevisitedUsesbook · Michael E. Gerber

    “I just flicked through the short form summary of the em3 visited”

    ▶ Watch at ~18:30approx.
  • Google CalendarUsessoftware · Google

    “one thing I think me and my ex had going on really well was a shared Google Calendar”

    ▶ Watch at ~31:30approx.
  • Being Alone in the Presence of AnotherMentionspaper · Donald Winnicott

    “a child psychologist Donald winot famously Roa paper on how to be alone”

    ▶ Watch at ~36:30approx.
  • CalmUsessoftware · Calm.com, Inc.

    “I do mine on like calm every morning I do like the 10-minute Calm app”

    ▶ Watch at ~38:30approx.
  • World of WarcraftUsessoftware · Blizzard Entertainment

    “get home from school just turn on World of Warcraft and just mindlessly play that for hours and hours and hours”

    ▶ Watch at ~47:00approx.
  • Grey's AnatomyMentionstv show · Shonda Rhimes

    “sometimes having like Grace anatomy in the background”

    ▶ Watch at ~47:30approx.
  • Elden RingMentionssoftware · FromSoftware

    “haven't started Elden ring that could be good”

    ▶ Watch at ~48:00approx.
  • The BatmanMentionsfilm · Matt Reeves

    “I haven't seen the new Batman one that could be good”

    ▶ Watch at ~48:00approx.
  • Avengers: EndgameMentionsfilm · Anthony Russo and Joe Russo

    “Avengers end game was coming out but I hadn't seen Captain Marvel”

    ▶ Watch at ~50:00approx.
  • Captain MarvelUsesfilm · Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck

    “I was like I need to watch Captain Marvel”

    ▶ Watch at ~50:00approx.
  • HingeUsessoftware · Hinge

    “one of the things I used to have on my hinge profile”

    ▶ Watch at ~58:00approx.
  • The Lord of the Rings soundtrackUsesother · Howard Shore

    “I find noise cancelling headphones with with the Lord of the Ring soundtrack or like film music to be my jam”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:05:00approx.
  • The Diary of a CEOMentionspodcast · Steven Bartlett

    “I was listening to Steve Bartlett's interview with lisis Capaldi last night”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:11:00approx.
  • GlamourUsescompany · Condé Nast

    “I've actually been working for uh Glamour magazine”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:24:30approx.
  • The School of GreatnessUsespodcast · Lewis Howes

    “I was um being interviewed on a podcast called School of greatness by lisis hose”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:29:30approx.
  • Eat, Pray, LoveMentionsbook · Elizabeth Gilbert

    “Liz Gilbert who is the woman who wrote um e Pray Love”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:43:00approx.
  • Big MagicRecommendsbook · Elizabeth Gilbert

    “if it is um creativity specifically there's a book called Big magic”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:43:00approx.
  • Alonement PodcastCoinedpodcast · Francesca Specter

    “my podcast is my main thing at the moment um the alement podcast”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:45:00approx.
  • Alonement websiteUseswebsite · Francesca Specter

    “I am also on um my uh website alone.com”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:45:00approx.
  • Alonement: How to Be Alone and Absolutely Own ItCoinedbook · Francesca Specter

    “the book alone mon how to be alone and absolutely own it is also available”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:45:30approx.
  • YouTubeUseswebsite · Google

    “if you're watching this in full HD or 4k on YouTube”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:46:30approx.

Spot an error or want something removed? Request a correction or removal.

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 1

Myth Buster29:30

Solitude isn't automatically the opposite of loneliness

Specter pushes back on the common claim that solitude is the opposite of loneliness. The root of 'solitude' is solace, which still carries loneliness, and there's no intrinsic positivity in it. She positions alonement as a distinct, universal point on the spectrum from loneliness, something anyone can access in ten minutes a day, not a radical practice reserved for hermits, philosophers or writers.

  • 'Solitude' is not intrinsically positive; you have to qualify positive solitude
  • Loneliness and alonement sit at opposite ends of a spectrum
  • Alonement is universal, not reserved for hermits or philosophers
  • It can be as small as ten minutes a day by yourself

“My alonement is talking about something that's not radical, that's not reserved to hermits or philosophers or writers; it's universal.”

Francesca Specter · 30:00
#solitude#loneliness#alonement#mental-health

Hot Take· 2

Hot Take34:00

Social skills are on the curriculum; solitude skills aren't

Specter observes that school explicitly builds social skills into the curriculum from key stage one: learning to play in a team, work with others. Solitude skills, the ability to spend time comfortably alone, are their opposite and nobody teaches them. She argues this is why so many capable, sociable people never developed the capacity to be by themselves, and why it has to be learned deliberately as an adult.

  • Teamwork and social skills are literally built into early education
  • Solitude skills are the opposite and appear on no curriculum
  • Homeschooled kids can be brilliant yet miss the social piece; most of us miss the solitude piece
  • Actual introverts may find these skills natural; many people do not

“Solitude skills are the skills you need to be able to spend time comfortably alone; they're not on the curriculum, no one teaches you them.”

Francesca Specter · 34:30
#education#solitude-skills#introversion#culture
Hot Take58:00

The controversial 'spend 10% of your time together' Hinge prompt

Ali once wrote on his Hinge profile that the ideal relationship is spending 10% of each day together and the rest doing your own thing. Reactions split between 'reasonable' and 'what a sociopath'. He points out 10% of 24 hours is 2.4 hours of quality time, which is substantial. Specter agrees the crux is quality time, and that constant hourly WhatsApp check-ins are 'my personal hell' because a strong bond doesn't need them.

  • 10% of a day is 2.4 hours, a meaningful amount of quality time
  • The number sounds tiny but reads as reasonable once broken down
  • Quality of connection matters more than constant contact
  • Hourly check-in messaging can dilute rather than strengthen a bond

“When you actually break that down to 10% is 2.4 hours, that makes sense.”

Francesca Specter · 59:30
#relationships#dating#quality-time#boundaries

Explainer· 4

Explainer28:00

Why she invented the word 'alonement'

As a lifestyle journalist used to coining terms, Specter needed language for the positive time alone she couldn't otherwise explain, especially on a first date. She coined 'alonement' on a now-defunct blog in January 2019, an afterthought that gave her practice a sense of intentionality. Naming a thing, even a made-up name, makes it feel real and deliberate rather than just 'spending time by yourself'.

  • Lifestyle journalists routinely coin terms (ghosting, benching, snowflaking)
  • 'Alonement' means being alone on purpose, with intentionality baked in
  • Naming a calendar block 'alonement' beats a vague 'block'
  • A name gives an activity a real, intentional status in your own mind

“There's something really powerful about naming a thing, because when it feels like it has a name, even if the name is made up, then…”

Ali Abdaal · 31:00
#alonement#naming#intentionality#language
Explainer20:00

Phone addiction is often just pain management

Drawing on Nir Eyal, Specter frames phone and distraction habits as pain management: when a creative task gets hard and you drop out of flow, reaching for the phone soothes the discomfort. Underneath her own distraction was a deeper loneliness after the breakup she wanted to escape. Any activity that was genuinely fulfilling got surrendered to the desire to avoid pain, whether through tech, emotional eating or drinking.

  • Nir Eyal's framing: distraction is pain management
  • The phone rescues you the moment creative work gets uncomfortable
  • Writing is a more sophisticated form of being alone with your thoughts
  • Underneath the distraction was an unaddressed loneliness

“Sometimes when we're on our phone, phone addiction is just pain management.”

Francesca Specter · 20:30
#distraction#phone-addiction#nir-eyal#creativity
Explainer46:00

Hedonic versus eudaimonic: both belong in your alone time

The pair discuss Aristotle's distinction between hedonic pleasure (short-term gratification) and eudaimonic happiness (longer-term, fulfilling gratification like learning an instrument). Specter argues both belong in alone time, and there's no need to impose a hierarchy. If you're doing something for yourself, anything beats social media. Ali notes cultural snobbery, video games bad, reading good, is largely arbitrary, echoing how novels by women were once dismissed as trash.

  • Hedonic = short-term pleasure; eudaimonic = long-term fulfilment
  • Both types of activity are legitimate uses of alone time
  • No need to impose a hierarchy; anything for you beats social media
  • Cultural judgements about 'worthy' leisure are historically arbitrary

“Alone time effectively was saying, look, I am enough to spend time with, and that can be all sorts of things.”

Francesca Specter · 47:00
#aristotle#eudaimonia#leisure#self-worth
Explainer1:02:00

Together-alone versus together-together time in a relationship

Ali distinguishes two modes with his partner: together-alone (sharing a room, each doing their own work or reading) and together-together (actively spending quality time). He prefers time skewed toward together-alone so that the together-together time is intentional and present. Specter connects this to child psychologist Donald Winnicott's idea of being comfortable in another's presence without needing to interact, the 'alone togetherness' that makes a relationship work.

  • Together-alone: same room, own activities, comfortable co-presence
  • Together-together: intentional, present, active quality time
  • Skewing toward together-alone makes the together-together count more
  • Rooted in Winnicott's 'alone togetherness' from child psychology

“Together alone is where we're chilling on the dining table doing our own work, and together together time is when we're actually together doing a…”

Ali Abdaal · 1:02:00
#relationships#quality-time#winnicott#co-working

Story· 2

Story01:30

How a breakup revealed she was running from her own company

Specter traces the origin of her personal development journey to late 2018, when she ended a relationship with the person she'd assumed she'd marry. A new job at a sociable tech company gave her endless happy hours and group lunches to hide in. By January 2019 she realised every terrible date and every work-drinks yes was a way to escape grieving and being alone.

  • A breakup plus a hyper-social new job created constant ways to avoid feelings
  • She was doing everything you're told not to do after a breakup: running from it
  • The revelation: being told her whole life she was an extrovert masked a real problem
  • Something 'rankled' about needing to be away from her own company every night

“Everything I was doing was based around trying to get away from spending time alone.”

Francesca Specter · 02:00
#breakup#extroversion#self-awareness#origin-story
Story1:29:30

Reframing a career as transferable skills, not a job title

Ali describes keeping medicine as a backup until Lewis Howes challenged him: with a decade of web design, media, marketing and video skills, could he really not make 50k a year without going back to medicine? That reframed his career as skill acquisition. He concludes a career is simply the thing that makes money to fund your life, and trusting your skills will earn made leaving medicine feel safe.

  • A mentor's challenge reframed his experience as valuable, portable skills
  • A career is the thing that funds your lifestyle, not your identity
  • Trusting your skills to earn reduces the fear of leaving a set path
  • Writing, marketing and selling are themselves valuable in the marketplace

“Before that conversation I'd never really considered it as skill acquisition.”

Ali Abdaal · 1:30:30
#career#skills#self-employment#identity

Q&A· 1

Q&A50:30

What three years of living alone actually taught her

Specter reflects honestly on living alone for three to four years. During the pandemic, being alone all the time didn't hold up. But overall it taught her to listen to and identify her own needs, something she struggled with around others, where she'd lose her sense of self and even defer on what she wanted for breakfast. She stops short of recommending it universally, framing it as personally beneficial rather than prescriptive.

  • Living alone all the time during the pandemic didn't stand up
  • It taught her to identify and assert her own needs and preferences
  • In big group dynamics she tends to lose her sense of self
  • She benefited personally but won't advocate it for everyone

“Living alone has been a space for me where I've been able to gain a much better sense of selfhood.”

Francesca Specter · 52:30
#living-alone#self-knowledge#needs#pandemic

Tool· 1

Tool40:30

What to actually do with a block of alone time

Asked what to do in an alonement block, Specter says it depends on the person but recommends importing a 'holiday mindset': do the guilt-free things you'd only normally allow yourself away from home. She keeps a running movie list on her phone so spontaneous solo time is never wasted. Video games count and are great for flow. Anything you choose for yourself beats defaulting to social media.

  • Ask what you'd do on holiday to surface genuinely wanted activities
  • Keep a movie or activity list on your phone for spontaneous solo time
  • Video games count: they create flow and absorb the hands
  • A movie's ending feels complete; open-ended TV series can feel lonely
  • Anything done intentionally for you beats mindless scrolling

“I try and always keep a movie list on my phone so when I come to that time by myself I'm like, hey, I'm going…”

Francesca Specter · 42:30
#alone-time#holiday-mindset#video-games#flow

Takeaway· 3

Takeaway54:00

Serving others starts with meeting your own needs

On the tension between acknowledging the self and surrendering to family and community, Specter argues we wrongly think we must choose one. A parent who is stressed and frantic from denying their own needs won't be the best parent, and being selfless helps no one. Crucially, if you don't model looking after your own needs, your children won't learn to either. She saw this in her introverted mother's calm morning ritual.

  • You don't have to choose between the self and the collective
  • A depleted, frantic parent isn't the best parent
  • Your five-year-old won't advocate for your needs; you must parent yourself
  • Children learn self-care by watching a parent model it

“If you don't model looking after your own needs then your child is not going to learn that.”

Francesca Specter · 55:30
#parenting#self-care#role-modelling#guilt
Takeaway1:14:00

The Post-it note that says 'this is supposed to be fun'

On long projects with deadlines, it's easy to forget the work is supposed to be enjoyable. Ali stuck a Post-it on his screen during lockdown reading 'this is supposed to be fun' as a reminder. Both agree that guilt attaches even to creative, fulfilling work, and that the people they most enjoy following are visibly having a good time, curious and engaged, not martyring themselves for their art.

  • Long, deadline-driven projects make you forget the work should be fun
  • A physical reminder ('this is supposed to be fun') resets the attitude
  • Guilt attaches even to creative, self-fulfilling work
  • The best creators are visibly curious and enjoying themselves

“I even had a Post-it note on my computer screen saying this is supposed to be fun.”

Ali Abdaal · 1:14:30
#creativity#fun#burnout#motivation
Takeaway1:39:00

Advice for aspiring multi-hyphenates: don't quit until you have to

For listeners dreaming of a freelance, multi-hyphenate career, Specter counsels calculated risk over a dramatic leap. Citing Liz Gilbert's Big Magic, she advises not quitting your day job until you absolutely have to; she only left hers once she had a book deal and knew it was financially viable. Do the passion work as a hobby alongside your job for as long as you can, and the avenue out tends to appear.

  • Don't underestimate a good full- or part-time job; the grass isn't always greener
  • Liz Gilbert: don't quit your day job until you absolutely have to
  • She only left once the book deal made it financially viable
  • Pursue the passion as a joyful hobby alongside work until it can sustain you
  • Start by daring to write down the values and life you actually want

“Some advice she gives, she says do not quit your day job until you absolutely have to.”

Francesca Specter · 1:43:00
#career#freelance#liz-gilbert#risk