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Jemma Sbeghen22 June 2023

Navigating Quarter-Life Crisis: Unpacking the Psychology of Your 20s - Jemma Sbeghen

5Frameworks
15Insights

Episode overview

Ali Abdaal and Jemma Sbeghen examine why expanded choices, social comparison, and economic uncertainty can make people in their twenties feel lost. They argue that a lack of direction can represent opportunity, and suggest designing life around desired everyday feelings rather than rigid milestones. The conversation develops practical habits for friendships, solitude, career experimentation, work-life balance, values, boundaries, and authentic decision-making.

Key ideas

  • A quarter-life crisis commonly involves anxiety, dread, stress, and uncertainty about what to do next between roughly ages 20 and 30.
  • More options can create paralysis through the paradox of choice, making people less willing to act because they fear choosing incorrectly.
  • Instead of planning every milestone, imagine how an ordinary Monday should feel and recognize that multiple paths could produce that life.
  • Balance future security with present enjoyment; consistent habits can reduce avoidable stress without requiring life to become an all-or-nothing grind.
  • Protect relationships by scheduling regular time with friends, practicing solitude, listening actively, and setting honest but flexible boundaries.
  • Career growth can come from leaving the comfort zone, asking explicitly for opportunities, changing roles, and choosing environments where extra contribution is recognized.
  • Work-life balance becomes more manageable when daily or weekly time is allocated intentionally across physical, mental, practical, social, and spiritual or emotional needs.
  • The idea of one fixed true self is a myth; identity evolves, while clarified values can guide decisions and help people tolerate disappointing others.

Transcript available · source text is retained privately and is not published

Frameworks in this episode

Communication5 steps

Active Constructive Responding

Respond to others' good news with energy and curiosity to build bonds

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Communication5 steps

Consistency-Based Friend Making

Show up to the same activity weekly to manufacture new friendships

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Self-Mastery5 steps

The Five Buckets Daily Balance

Touch physical, mental, practical, social and spiritual every single day

Read →
Mindset5 steps

The Monday Afternoon Feeling

Design your future by how it feels on an ordinary day, not by milestones

Read →
Self-Mastery5 steps

The Values Shortlist

Funnel 200 values down to your core five to guide decisions

Read →

People & resources mentioned

Attributed to the moment in the episode. Timestamps are approximate.

People · 10

  • Ali AbdaalMentionsthe ongoing podcast where every week I get the chance to sit down with inspiring authors, entrepreneurs, creators, and other inspiring people.

    “hello and welcome back to Deep dive the weekly podcast”

    ▶ Watch at ~0:00approx.
  • Jemma SbeghenMentionsGemma is the podcast host of the psychology of your 20s

    “today I'm joined by Gemma spec Gemma is the podcast host of the psychology of your 20s”

    ▶ Watch at ~0:00approx.
  • Tim UrbanCoinedTim Urban's blog post he's got an amazing blog uh wait but why

    “have you come across Tim Urban's blog post he's got an amazing blog uh wait but why”

    ▶ Watch at ~12:30approx.
  • Mark ZuckerbergMentionshe started out as employee number 30 at facebook before getting fired by mark zuckerberg

    “you imagine like Mark Zuckerberg and you think about the picture of his life”

    ▶ Watch at ~13:00approx.
  • Muhammad AliMentionsmentioned

    “there's a quote from Muhammad Ali where he says something like”

    ▶ Watch at ~20:00approx.
  • Miley CyrusMentionsmentioned

    “as Miley Cyrus says it's the climb it's just all about the climb”

    ▶ Watch at ~21:00approx.
  • Julian HearnCoinedwe have the founder of huel Julian Hearn who was on the very first season of the podcast

    “we've got an interview with Julian Hearn who is the founder of huel on this podcast”

    ▶ Watch at ~27:30approx.
  • Francesca SpecterCoinedFranchesca Spectre who is the author of the book alement

    “Francesca Specter who is the author of a book called uh alone”

    ▶ Watch at ~36:30approx.
  • Sheryl SandbergCoinedmentioned

    “I think it was from the book lean in by Cheryl Sandberg”

    ▶ Watch at ~58:30approx.
  • John MayerMentionsmentioned

    “I've been watching some John Mayer videos I'd love to get back into guitar lessons”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:23:30approx.

Resources · 19

  • The Psychology of Your 20sCoinedpodcast · Jemma Sbeghen

    “Gemma is the podcast host of the psychology of your 20s”

    ▶ Watch at ~0:00approx.
  • Yorkshire DalesMentionsplace

    “spend the day going for a walk on the Yorkshire in the Yorkshire Dales”

    ▶ Watch at ~11:30approx.
  • Wait But WhyMentionswebsite · Tim Urban

    “he's got an amazing blog uh wait but why”

    ▶ Watch at ~12:30approx.
  • Life Is a Picture, But You Live in a PixelMentionsother · Tim Urban

    “there's a blog post in that it's titled something like life is a picture but you live in a pixel”

    ▶ Watch at ~13:00approx.
  • The 4-Hour WorkweekMentionsbook · Tim Ferriss

    “after reading the four-hour work week financial Independence became very important to me”

    ▶ Watch at ~20:30approx.
  • HuelUsesproduct · Julian Hearn

    “I've been a customer of Hill for the last six years”

    ▶ Watch at ~27:30approx.
  • Huel Black EditionRecommendsproduct · Huel

    “I particularly like the heel black edition because this is high protein and lower carb”

    ▶ Watch at ~28:00approx.
  • NutriBulletUsesproduct · Capital Brands

    “I'll mix it up in my NutriBullet blender thing with water and maybe a little bit of milk”

    ▶ Watch at ~28:30approx.
  • Trading 212Recommendssoftware · Trading 212

    “it's a great app that lets you trade trade stocks and funds and ETFs and foreign exchange”

    ▶ Watch at ~29:30approx.
  • AlonementMentionsbook · Francesca Specter

    “Francesca Specter who is the author of a book called uh alone”

    ▶ Watch at ~36:30approx.
  • SydneyMentionsplace

    “I do a Sunday dinner so every Sunday when I'm in town I say to anyone who lives in Sydney”

    ▶ Watch at ~41:30approx.
  • CanberraMentionsplace

    “I went to University in Canberra which is the capital of Australia”

    ▶ Watch at ~54:00approx.
  • Lean InMentionsbook · Sheryl Sandberg

    “I think it was from the book lean in by Cheryl Sandberg”

    ▶ Watch at ~58:30approx.
  • LoomUsessoftware

    “they'll just create a little loom video recording of like here's the stuff I worked on this week”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:04:30approx.
  • McKinsey & CompanyMentionscompany

    “you'll learn about how to run a business when you join McKinsey”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:08:30approx.
  • QantasMentionscompany

    “I've got this offer from Qantas or I've got this offer from some big company”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:13:00approx.
  • TasmaniaMentionsplace

    “Tasmania is this island off of Australia it's like beautiful”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:15:30approx.
  • Hyde ParkMentionsplace

    “my health thing today was I went for a walk around Hyde Park”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:19:00approx.
  • Google CalendarUsessoftware · Google

    “you go on Google Calendar or whatever you create a brand new calendar”

    ▶ Watch at ~1:22:00approx.

Spot an error or want something removed? Request a correction or removal.

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 2

Myth Buster34:00

Loneliness peaks in your twenties, not old age

Sbeghen busts the stereotype that loneliness belongs to the elderly. Research she cites shows people in roughly their twenties experience the greatest loneliness. She distinguishes being alone from feeling lonely: most people are never truly alone, so the fix is scheduling quality, uninterrupted time with people you care about at least two to three times a week.

  • Twenties, not old age, is peak loneliness
  • Being alone and feeling lonely are different things
  • Friendships are the most important relationships of the decade
  • Book non-negotiable friend time two to three times a week

“being alone and feeling lonely are very different things”

Jemma Sbeghen · 33:00
#loneliness#friendship#mental health
Myth Buster1:24:30

The 'true self' is a myth; identity and values are real

Sbeghen argues the true self is a huge myth that changes constantly with everything that happens to you. What exists instead is your identity and your values. Your identity up to your late teens is a mashup of parents, teachers, peers, and media; adulthood is deciding which parts to keep, discard, or add. Values are the stable core pillars worth clarifying, and living authentically means getting comfortable disappointing people.

  • There is no single fixed true self; it changes at every turn
  • Early identity is inherited from family, peers and media
  • Adulthood is choosing what to keep, chuck, and add
  • Authenticity requires being okay with not being liked by everyone

“the idea of the true self is a huge myth and it is going to change a million times”

Jemma Sbeghen · 1:24:30
#identity#authenticity#values

Hot Take· 1

Hot Take1:02:30

Act your wage vs act the wage you want

Sbeghen advocates 'act your wage': don't give unpaid overtime beyond what you're paid for, because your time is your life. Abdaal counters with 'act the wage you actually want': in startups and small teams, visibly delivering above your pay is how you become a star player who gets kept, promoted, and recommended. They agree it depends on the environment; in rigid corporates like medicine, acting above your station is useless or even risky.

  • Sbeghen: don't over-give unpaid time; it's just a job
  • Abdaal: in startups, acting above your wage makes you a star player
  • Make your work visible (e.g. weekly Loom updates) to be noticed
  • It depends on whether the environment rewards it

“it's less actual wage and more act uh act the wage you actually want”

Ali Abdaal · 1:04:00

“you should value that time as much as your employer values your time”

Jemma Sbeghen · 1:03:30
#career#work ethic#workplace

Explainer· 4

Explainer01:30

What a quarter-life crisis actually is

Sbeghen defines the quarter-life crisis as the modern, earlier cousin of the midlife crisis, hitting roughly between ages 20 and 30. It shows up as a fork-in-the-road feeling where you must make big decisions, producing anxiety, dread, stress, and an urge to be spontaneous or take a risk. At its core it is the question 'what am I doing with my life and where to next?'.

  • Frame it against the older idea of the midlife crisis
  • Occurs roughly between ages 20 and 30
  • Driven by a sense of forced, massive life decisions
  • Creates anxiety, dread, stress and a pull toward risk

“it involves someone experiencing this sense of what am I doing with my life and where to next”

Jemma Sbeghen · 02:30
#quarter-life crisis#psychology#twenties
Explainer03:00

Why the quarter-life crisis is a modern phenomenon

Sbeghen traces the crisis to the collapse of the narrow 1950s life blueprint (school, uni, partner, job, house, kids, retirement). The internet and social media opened up new career paths and entrepreneurship while also letting us constantly compare our lives to everyone else's. Add environmental and financial uncertainty, and you get intense anxiety about being future-prepared while also wanting to enjoy your twenties.

  • The old life blueprint was narrow but clear
  • Internet and social media multiplied career paths
  • Constant comparison flips a switch of self-doubt
  • Recession and climate uncertainty amplify the anxiety

“we also have this element of being able to look at what everyone else was doing with their lives and compare to that”

Jemma Sbeghen · 03:30
#social media#comparison#uncertainty
Explainer12:30

Life is a picture but you live in a pixel

Abdaal shares Tim Urban's 'Wait But Why' idea that we imagine successful people's lives as a grand picture (rich, powerful, happy) but everyone actually lives in a single pixel: waking up, breakfast, gym, work, kids, friends. The lesson is not to over-index on the big-picture story of success and instead ask what feelings you want in the day-to-day pixel.

  • We judge others by the broad-brush picture of their lives
  • Everyone actually lives day to day in a single pixel
  • Even Mark Zuckerberg burns his eggs and argues at home
  • Focus on the feelings you want in the pixel, not the picture

“every single day day to day we're going to be living in the pixels”

Ali Abdaal · 13:30
#happiness#tim urban#perspective
Explainer52:00

Healthy boundaries mean honesty plus compromise

Sbeghen argues boundaries have become a misconstrued therapy buzzword. A healthy boundary is respectful to both you and the other person, not cutting someone off. It starts with understanding what you want and what behaviour you won't accept, then communicating it honestly. Her example: offering a long-distance friend a choice of which birthday night to visit rather than silently over-committing or withdrawing.

  • Boundaries are not the same as cutting people off
  • Honesty is itself a boundary; it communicates what you want
  • The most compassionate people have the best boundaries
  • Offer options and be willing to compromise for robustness

“the most compassionate people have the best boundaries”

Jemma Sbeghen · 53:30
#boundaries#relationships#communication

Story· 1

Story06:30

The jam study and the paradox of choice

Sbeghen explains that the flood of life options in your twenties paralyses rather than frees you, a phenomenon called the paradox of choice. She cites the Stanford farmer's-market jam experiment: a stall offering 27 jams versus one offering only five, where the five-option day drove far higher purchases. More choice makes us less likely to act because we fear picking wrong.

  • Too many options paralyse rather than empower
  • Stanford jam study: 5 options outsold 27 options dramatically
  • We want fewer choices than we think we do
  • Fear of the wrong decision fuels feeling lost

“it shows us that we actually don't want as many choices as we think that we do”

Jemma Sbeghen · 07:00
#paradox of choice#decision making#psychology

Tool· 2

Tool35:00

Carve out real solitude (and try solo dates)

Sbeghen's second relationship habit is to deliberately schedule solitude: a day or night each week alone with your thoughts, not distracting yourself with TV or phone. Journaling is her preferred use of that time. Abdaal adds solo dates, going to a restaurant or cinema alone with a journal, and notes both find weekly is the right dose before it becomes too much.

  • Schedule a weekly day or night of true solitude
  • TV and phone scrolling do not count as alone time
  • Journaling is a core solitude practice
  • Solo dates at restaurants or cinemas build comfort being alone

“loneliness is not your enemy and that Solitude is actually quite sacred”

Jemma Sbeghen · 36:00
#solitude#journaling#self-reflection
Tool50:30

Greet people more effusively than feels natural

A team member's tip that Abdaal endorses: greet friends far more warmly than you think you should. Especially for men playing it cool, a big 'oh my God it's so good to see you' makes the other person feel great and starts the interaction on the right foot. Sbeghen frames it as a labrador philosophy and says faking the enthusiasm quickly becomes genuine.

  • Over-greet rather than play it cool
  • Effusive greetings make both people feel great
  • Especially useful for men trained to underplay warmth
  • Fake the excitement and it becomes real

“greeting people more effusively than you think you should um really helps to again make relationships more energizing”

Ali Abdaal · 51:00
#relationships#charisma#warmth

Takeaway· 5

Takeaway07:30

A lack of direction is really an abundance of opportunity

Sbeghen reframes the negatively loaded phrase 'you have no direction' as its opposite: an abundance of open doors. Feeling lost in your twenties simply means many paths remain available. The reframe pushes back on family and social pressure to have everything figured out immediately.

  • 'No direction' is loaded negative but need not be
  • Lost equals having many open doors
  • It ties back to the paradox of choice
  • Being comfortable with lost is part of the point of your twenties

“a lack of direction is comes off very negative but it also means an abundance of opportunity”

Jemma Sbeghen · 08:00
#reframing#career#mindset
Takeaway16:30

Explore or grind? You can have both

Sbeghen rejects the black-and-white framing that your twenties are either for exploration or for grinding to build a career. She argues you can pursue financial security and a fruitful career while still taking risks, travelling, and creating memories, by using spare hours on the side and achieving balance through consistency rather than choosing one path forever.

  • The either/or framing is a self-limiting belief
  • You can pursue security and fun simultaneously
  • Sbeghen built her podcast on the side of consulting until it overtook
  • Balance plus consistency beats an all-or-nothing choice

“it's such a self-limiting belief to think that it's an either it's it's kind of black and white”

Jemma Sbeghen · 16:30
#balance#career#twenties
Takeaway20:30

Enjoy the climb, because the summit is hollow

Abdaal rejects the Muhammad Ali 'suffer now, be a champion later' ethos and argues for enjoying every step of the journey while working toward a destination. Everyone he has met who achieved something major says the achievement itself feels hollow and the journey is what matters. A useful gut check: if you'd die tomorrow, would you be reasonably happy with how you spent the last month?

  • The achievement is hollow; the climb is the reward
  • Reject lionising suffering for a title at the end
  • Identity and skills change as you progress toward goals
  • Journaling check: happy with how the last month was spent?

“the achievement itself is hollow and it's really just the journey”

Ali Abdaal · 21:00

“if I were to die tomorrow would I be reasonably happy with how I've spent the last month”

Ali Abdaal · 24:00
#motivation#journey#fulfilment
Takeaway41:30

Be the friend who takes initiative

For maintaining existing friendships as everyone gets busy, Sbeghen says be the person who takes initiative even though it costs energy. Her tactic is a recurring low-effort Sunday dinner: anyone in town can come with four hours' notice, bring wine or dessert, and bring partners. A fixed, discreet slot is far easier for busy people to commit to than open-ended plans.

  • Someone has to take initiative; volunteer to be that person
  • A recurring fixed slot beats ad-hoc scheduling
  • Sunday dinner with short notice lowers the commitment barrier
  • Fixed default slots become the glue of a friendship group

“if you want something if you want to see these people... be the person who takes initiative”

Jemma Sbeghen · 41:30
#friendship#initiative#community
Takeaway1:10:00

Job hop and role hop as much as possible

Sbeghen argues that unless your job is a rocket ship, it's in an individual's interest to job hop, since the first six to twelve months are the fastest learning curve before you plateau. Abdaal refines it to role hopping: changing roles, which often but not always requires changing jobs. Both note the best way to get a raise or learn faster is finding another job, and joining a small business under ten people trains you for entrepreneurship better than a big corporate.

  • First 6-12 months of a job is the fastest learning; then you plateau
  • It's usually in your interest to job hop unless it's a rocket ship
  • Role hopping matters more than job hopping per se
  • Small businesses (<10 people) train entrepreneurs better than corporates

“the first six six months so 12 months probably at a job are the fastest learning curve and then beyond that you really Plateau”

Ali Abdaal · 1:12:00
#career#job hopping#learning