Curious Researcher Relationships
Replace control with curiosity about who the other person is becoming
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 94%
The Curious Researcher approach reframes a relationship from a project to manage into an encounter with a person who remains partly mysterious. Excessive control can appear as directing every interaction, but it can also appear as withdrawal—refusing to engage while leaving every decision to the other person. The alternative is active curiosity. Notice the outcome you want, loosen your grip on it, and investigate who the person is now, what interests them, and what might be meaningful to do together. In parenting, this means neither imposing a rigid plan nor becoming an absent supervisor. In dating, it means replacing the overriding goal of being liked with genuine interest in compatibility. The output is greater presence, discovery, and responsiveness rather than guaranteed agreement.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal during Oliver Burkeman's discussion of curiosity in parenting and other relationships.
Core principles
- 01Other people cannot be fully controlled
- 02Curiosity creates presence without withdrawal
- 03Relationships involve continuing discovery
- 04Openness matters more than forcing an outcome
How to run it
- 1
Detect the control agenda
Notice what you are trying to make the other person think, feel, or do. Include subtler goals such as needing them to approve of you.
Pro tip Name the desired outcome privately before the interaction.
Watch out Curiosity used merely as a tactic to obtain the same outcome is still control.
- 2
Adopt the researcher question
Ask who this person is and who they may be becoming. Treat your current model of them as provisional.
Pro tip Use open questions grounded in the present moment.
Watch out Do not turn the interaction into an interrogation.
- 3
Observe real interests
Pay attention to what energises, concerns, or absorbs the person rather than relying on assumptions. Let their response update your understanding.
Pro tip Notice behaviour as well as words.
Watch out Avoid assigning motives without evidence.
- 4
Invite rather than dictate
Propose an activity, topic, or next step that allows both people to participate. Maintain your own presence instead of withdrawing completely.
Pro tip Offer two genuine options when total openness would be overwhelming.
Watch out Openness does not require surrendering boundaries.
- 5
Release the preferred outcome
Allow the interaction to produce information rather than a predetermined result. Reflect afterward on what you learned about the person and the relationship.
Pro tip Measure success by honesty and discovery, not approval.
Watch out Do not interpret a surprising answer as failure.
In the wild
A parent has two hours alone with a child. Instead of enforcing a complete agenda or saying 'you decide' while mentally checking out, the parent wonders what currently interests the child and proposes something they might meaningfully explore together.
→ The time becomes a shared encounter rather than a struggle for control or an exercise in supervision.
A dater notices the familiar goal of making the other person like them. They shift toward wondering what the person is like and whether the connection is mutually compatible.
→ The conversation becomes more genuine and yields better information about compatibility.
Common mistakes
Disguising persuasion as curiosity
Questions are not genuinely open if they are designed only to lead the other person toward your preferred answer.
Withdrawing completely
Making the other person decide everything can be another form of control or isolation. Bring your own interest and suggestions into the interaction.
Abandoning boundaries
Curiosity helps you understand another person, but it does not require accepting harmful behaviour.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for parents, partners, friends, and daters who want to become more present and less outcome-driven.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal as a substitute for firm boundaries or decisive action in abusive, dangerous, or coercive situations.
From the transcript
“of cultivating an attitude of curiosity”
“can I sort of like, ask, like, Who is this person? Like, who am I getting to? Who is this person becoming like, What, What's…”
“it's that sort of openness to whatever might happen. Yeah. Instead of trying to have a strong preference for what should happen.”
From the episode
How Productivity Ruins Your Life with Productivity Expert Oliver Burkeman
Productivity Expert Oliver Burkeman