Relationship Escalator Check
Choose each relationship milestone instead of following the default script
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 97%
The Relationship Escalator Check separates genuine compatibility from romantic momentum. A couple first identifies the milestone that appears to come next, such as living together, marriage or parenthood. Each person then examines why they want it and distinguishes personal values from parental expectations, cultural scripts and media narratives. The couple tests assumptions through lived experience, discusses practical factors such as money, health, work and location, and considers alternative structures rather than treating one path as mandatory. The output is an intentional decision: proceed, adapt the milestone, postpone it or decline it. Repeating the check at every major transition helps partners build a relationship around their actual needs instead of passively riding a predetermined escalator.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal during Hannah Witton's discussion of compatibility, unconventional relationship structures and questioning each expected milestone.
Core principles
- 01Love and compatibility are different
- 02Practical realities can outweigh strong feelings
- 03Cultural milestones are options, not obligations
- 04Each partner must understand their own needs
- 05Shared decisions should reflect values rather than social pressure
How to run it
- 1
Identify the expected next step
Name the milestone that you or other people assume should come next. Make the implicit relationship script visible before acting on it.
Pro tip Phrase it neutrally, such as “The expected next step is living together,” rather than presenting it as a settled decision.
Watch out Do not mistake time already invested in the relationship for evidence that the milestone is right.
- 2
Interrogate the desire
Each partner privately asks why they want the milestone, then repeats the question until the underlying motive becomes clear. Separate intrinsic desire from pressure, fear and convention.
Pro tip Write down every answer, including uncomfortable motives such as pleasing parents or avoiding loneliness.
Watch out A socially acceptable answer is not necessarily an honest answer.
- 3
Assess practical compatibility
Discuss values, finances, health, work, location, domestic preferences and long-term goals. Determine whether affection and day-to-day compatibility point in the same direction.
Pro tip Use specific scenarios and previous experiences rather than relying only on hypothetical promises.
Watch out Strong love does not automatically resolve incompatible life requirements.
- 4
Explore alternative structures
Consider whether a modified arrangement could meet both partners' needs, such as living apart together or delaying a conventional milestone. Treat the standard path as one option among several.
Pro tip Ask what you would design if nobody else could judge the result.
Watch out An unconventional structure still requires explicit agreement and practical planning.
- 5
Make and review the choice
Choose to proceed, adapt, postpone or decline the milestone, and document the reasons. Set a future point to review whether the arrangement still serves both people.
Pro tip Define what evidence would tell you that the decision is working.
Watch out Do not treat a previous decision as permanently binding when circumstances change.
In the wild
A couple assumes that moving in together is the natural next step. After applying the check, they discover that one partner needs substantial solitude and the other values daily companionship. They trial longer stays, discuss household expectations and decide to live nearby rather than share a home immediately.
→ They preserve the relationship while testing compatibility without forcing a conventional arrangement.
Before trying for a child, two partners separately examine whether they want parenthood or merely feel it is expected after marriage. They compare caregiving expectations, finances and career plans, then agree on conditions that must be in place first.
→ The decision becomes a deliberate shared commitment rather than an automatic next stage.
Common mistakes
Assuming love guarantees compatibility
Affection can motivate partners to work on problems, but it cannot by itself reconcile incompatible values, locations, finances or life goals.
Treating convention as evidence
A milestone is not right merely because most couples appear to pursue it or because it follows the previous stage.
Discussing only hypotheticals
Partners can agree abstractly while behaving very differently in real situations, so decisions should incorporate lived experience and practical tests.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for couples considering cohabitation, marriage, children or another major change in relationship structure.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal for situations involving coercion or abuse, where safety and specialist support should take priority over joint reflection.
From the transcript
“But ultimately, like, love is not the same thing as compatibility. And I think compatibility is something that we have to get like really honest…”
“But actually like, Have you thought about what it is that actually you want? And what kind of lifestyle would suit you? Or are you…”
“And like, along the way, just like every single thing, and just being like, is this something we want to do and actually drilling down…”
From the episode
Sex, Relationships and Everything in Between - Hannah Witton
Hannah Witton