Grieve, Flick the Switch, Reset
Feel the setback fully for a fixed window, then switch to purpose and reset your goals
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 85%
This is Carter's repeatable resilience protocol, forged when he tore his groin off his pubic bone the day before finally captaining the All Blacks, ending his 2011 World Cup. First, grieve: feel the anger and disappointment fully rather than rushing to 'it's not that important,' which he has seen bite people later. Second, give the grief a fixed window; his is about 24 hours, during which his wife knows to stay away. Third, flick the switch deliberately into a positive mindset. Fourth, anchor to purpose by asking what your best self would do, which for Carter was 'what does an All Black great do?' Fifth, reset goals, both immediate rehab and longer-term, and ask what the team now needs. He came back to win World Rugby Player of the Year twelve months later.
Origin
Forged at the 2011 Rugby World Cup, when Carter tore his groin off his pubic bone at his final kick in the captain's run, the day before captaining the All Blacks for the first time, ending his tournament. His purpose-anchored recovery turned the loss into fuel.
Core principles
- 01Setbacks are inevitable; the tools to handle them are the real advantage
- 02Skipping the grief phase makes it bite you later
- 03Give the grief a fixed window, then deliberately flick the switch
- 04Anchor recovery to your purpose, not to the raw emotion
- 05Character is built by the setbacks, not the trophies
How to run it
- 1
Let yourself grieve
Feel the emotions fully: anger, sadness, disappointment. Do not jump straight to false positivity, which only defers the pain and lets it resurface later.
Pro tip Warn the people close to you; Carter's wife knows to give him space for the window.
Watch out Skipping grief 'bites you further down the track.'
- 2
Cap the grief with a fixed window
Give the mourning a deadline scaled to the setback, roughly 24 hours for Carter. This prevents moping around for weeks feeling sorry for yourself.
- 3
Flick the switch
At the end of the window, consciously change your mindset to a positive one. It is a deliberate act, not something you wait to feel.
- 4
Anchor to your purpose
Ask what your best self would do here. Carter asked 'what does an All Black great do in situations like this?' The answer, rehab better than anyone ever has, gave direction.
- 5
Reset goals and serve the team
Set new goals from your current reality, both immediate rehab and longer-term. Then ask what the people around you or your team need from you now.
In the wild
Carter learned he would captain the All Blacks, then tore his groin off his pubic bone at his last practice kick, ending his 2011 World Cup. He wept the whole drive back to the hotel and was distraught for days. Then he asked what an All Black great would do: rehab better than anyone, sign a new four-year contract, and put the team first. Twelve months later he was named World Rugby Player of the Year.
→ World Rugby Player of the Year 2012; man-of-the-match in the 2015 World Cup final
Common mistakes
Faking positivity too fast
Declaring 'it's not that important' and moving on instantly skips the grief and lets the unprocessed emotion resurface later.
Grieving with no exit
Feeling the setback is necessary, but without a fixed window you risk weeks of moping. The switch must be flicked at some point.
Is it for you?
Best for
High performers absorbing an injury, rejection, or major disappointment who need to bounce back without denial.
Not ideal for
Situations requiring long-term grief or trauma processing that a fixed short window cannot honour.
From the transcript
“it's important to grieve deal with your emotions”
“for me it was 24 hours ... I flick the switch that's when I change my mindset into a positive one”
“what does an all black great do in situations like this so my purpose really helped me through”
From the episode
How To Win: Rugby Legend Dan Carter's Ultimate Guide to Success