The Love Prescription: Seven Days of Small Deposits
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 7
- Confidence
- —
A seven-day relationship protocol built on longitudinal lab data, where each day is a single ten-minute practice rather than a wholesale change. The core mechanism is the 'bid for connection' and the three possible responses to it: turning toward (acknowledging), turning away (no response), and turning against (an irritable rebuff). In a six-year study of 130 newlywed couples, those who divorced had turned toward bids only 33% of the time versus 86% for couples still together. Turning toward functions as an emotional bank account: the deposits made during ordinary connection are what let you keep humour, affection and lower physiological arousal during conflict. The week is not meant to fix everything — it is meant to produce one noticeable difference the couple can name and then keep doing.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal
How to run it
- 1
Day one — give compliments
Be nice to one another. Pay compliments, communicate respect and affection in words, and let your partner know how attractive and irresistible they seem to you. That kind of positivity is critical.
- 2
Day two — catch your partner doing something right
Deliberately look for what your partner is doing right rather than wrong, point it out, and say thank you.
- 3
Day three — listen, and state needs positively
Talk about what each of you needs. Frame every need as a positive one: ask for what you do want, not what you don't like or resent.
Pro tip Flip a complaint on its head: 'I would love it if you clean the dishes three times a week, that would be such a big help to me.'
Watch out Raising what you resent will land as criticism, however carefully worded.
- 4
Frame the need so your partner can shine
Present one need in a way that gives your partner a chance to shine for you. It is not a criticism — it is the opposite.
- 5
Honour each other's dreams
Share a deeply held dream — something you want to do, experience, or feel — and genuinely listen to what your partner says about theirs.
- 6
Practise turning toward every bid
Throughout the week, notice when your partner makes a bid for attention — sharing something humorous, an interesting story, 'what a beautiful boat that is' — and acknowledge it. Even a 'yeah, huh' counts as turning toward. Silence is turning away; 'would you be quiet, I'm trying to read' is turning against.
Pro tip Awareness alone moves the needle: when people become aware of turning toward as a tool of connecting, the relationship improves quite dramatically.
- 7
Review at the end of the week and keep the ones that worked
Compare how things felt before the week to how they feel at the end. Identify which of the little prescriptions made a difference for you and your partner specifically, and continue those.
Watch out It does not mean everything is fixed in seven days and you can revert to whoever you were before — the point is learning to do something a little different.
In the wild
In the apartment lab the guests observed 130 newlywed couples and followed them for six years. While couples were simply hanging out, one partner would try to get the other's attention or share something humorous or interesting — a bid for connection — and the cameras always swung to the other person to capture the response. Looking back six years later, the 17 couples who had divorced had turned toward these bids only 33% of the time. The couples still together had turned toward 86% of the time. The guests describe it as a huge difference, and the mechanism as an emotional bank account: deposits made in ordinary moments are what preserve humour, affection and lower physiological arousal during disagreement.
→ Divorce at six years was predicted by everyday micro-responses, not by how couples fought.
The guests give a worked example of converting a negative need into a positive one. Rather than raising what you don't like or resent about household chores — which will sound like criticism regardless of intent — you flip it on its head and say 'I would love it if you clean the dishes three times a week, that would be such a big help to me.' The same underlying need is expressed as an invitation for the partner to shine rather than as a grievance about their past behaviour.
→ The identical request lands as an opportunity instead of an accusation.
Common mistakes
Stating needs as resentments
Naming what you don't like or resent reads as criticism to the receiving partner and triggers defence rather than change. The same need stated as what you do want invites them to succeed.
Treating seven days as a cure
The week produces a small noticeable shift, not a fix. Expecting everything to be resolved and then returning to your previous defaults discards the entire mechanism, which is deepened friendship over time.
Ignoring small bids as trivial
The 'beautiful boat' remark looks like nothing, but the lab data shows the aggregate of these responses is what separated the couples who lasted from those who divorced.
From the transcript
“they make the bid for connection and then the cameras in the lab always swung to the other person to see the response and there…”
“the 17 couples who divorced one another after uh six years after the wedding uh when we looked back six years earlier they had turned…”
“you should bring up your needs as a positive need rather than a negative need and what that means is that you ask for what…”
From the episode
7 Lessons To Build A Life You Love - Season 5 Wrap
Season 5 Wrap