The Modern Handkerchief (Small-Favour Opener)
- Difficulty
- Starter
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- —
Hussey's signature method for initiating contact without appearing to initiate. A hundred years ago a woman would drop her handkerchief in front of a man she found attractive; he'd pick it up, feel like the proactive one, and a conversation would exist. She made the move and let him feel he made it. The modern translation rests on research Hussey cites: doing someone a small, non-onerous favour makes the giver like the receiver more. So instead of approaching with intent, you ask for a tiny act of service — watch my jacket, do you know anywhere good around here — which creates a natural opening. The favour breaks the ice without feeling like breaking the ice, so the real conversation starts at thirty miles an hour instead of from a standstill.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal
How to run it
- 1
Drop the story that initiating isn't your role
Recognise that the belief the other person must make the first move is conditioning, not law — and that the 'old-fashioned' handkerchief was itself a woman-initiated move. The method works precisely for people who don't want to feel like they're approaching.
- 2
Choose a low-stakes, everyday setting
Coffee shops, counters, queues and daytime environments work because the favour has to be plausible and mundane. This isn't about bars or high-pressure venues.
Pro tip Daytime settings make the exchange read as ordinary rather than romantic, which lowers the stakes for both people.
- 3
Ask for one small, non-onerous favour
Use openers like 'could I get your help with something', 'would you just watch my jacket for a second while I use the restroom', 'do you know anywhere good around here for X', or 'what did you order, that looks really good'. The favour must be trivially easy to grant.
Pro tip Starting with 'I could really use your help with something' triggers the sense of being needed and useful.
Watch out If the favour is difficult or onerous, the liking effect reverses — keep it genuinely small.
- 4
Use the thank-you as the bridge
When you return, thank them for the favour, then add one natural line — 'how's your day going anyway' or a comment on the book they're reading. The prior exchange makes this feel continuous rather than cold.
Pro tip You're now starting at thirty miles an hour instead of from zero, which is why the same line lands differently.
Watch out Turning to a stranger cold and opening with 'how's your day going' is exactly the standstill this method exists to avoid.
- 5
Let it go nowhere if it goes nowhere
The method's value is that it manufactures opportunity and choice, not a guaranteed outcome. Some exchanges end at the thank-you, and that's fine — the aim is to be choosing rather than waiting to be chosen.
In the wild
A hundred years ago a woman walks past a man she finds attractive and inadvertently drops her handkerchief in front of him. He sees it, picks it up, and thinks this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man. He carries it over: 'Madam, you dropped this.' She says, 'Did I?' Now they're in conversation. He experienced himself as the proactive one — but she initiated the entire sequence. Hussey uses this to show that giving someone a way to be proactive under the radar gets even people who believe it isn't their job to make a move to start creating opportunity.
→ A conversation exists that neither party had to formally 'approach' for, with the initiator staying invisible.
In a coffee shop in the daytime, you turn to the person nearby: 'Excuse me, would you just watch my jacket for a second while I use the restroom?' It costs them nothing and it's easy to say yes to. When you come back, you say thanks so much for watching my jacket — and then, because you're already mid-interaction, you can add 'how's your day going anyway' or 'that book looks really interesting'. Hussey reports women using this class of move went from years of no opportunity to getting dates and exchanging numbers with people they were actually attracted to.
→ Women reported suddenly having choice and activity in their love lives — choosing instead of being chosen.
Common mistakes
Asking for a favour that's actually a burden
The liking effect depends on the favour being small and easy. Anything that costs real time or effort creates obligation and awkwardness instead of warmth.
Leading with the attraction
Opening with 'I thought you were pretty and wanted to talk to you' takes almost too much confidence and can make the other person feel awkward. The favour route prompts a conversation without putting the stakes on the table.
Waiting to be approached by default
If you only ever meet the loudest, most confident person in the room, the other ninety percent of decent people get written off as uninterested or cowardly — and you never meet them.
From the transcript
“if we do someone a favor we like them more as long as the favor is not onerous”
“excuse me would you just watch my jacket for a second while I use the restroom which could be done in a coffee shop in…”
“so that became my version for people of dropping the handkerchief is ask a very small and easy favor of someone and then allow that…”
From the episode
Bonus Episode - The Science of Attraction: Why You’ve Not Met Someone - Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey