The Oxytocin Five
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- —
Oxytocin, in TJ Power's model, is the connection chemical: unlike dopamine it cannot be hijacked, but it can be disrupted — mainly by phones interrupting eye contact and presence, and by social media moderately satisfying the need for connection so the drive to seek real connection never resolves. His law is to make someone else in your life happy every day. Five actions follow: physical touch, daily contribution, socialising with eye contact and active listening, gratitude, and celebrating achievements. The first three raise oxytocin between people; the last two improve the relationship you have with yourself, retraining critical self-talk into confidence through repeated positive reinforcement.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal
How to run it
- 1
Make physical touch routine
Any physical contact with a human or animal raises oxytocin quickly. TJ's audience data averages 1.6 hugs a day against a research-suggested need closer to five. Hug friends, high-five, hold hands; longer contact releases more.
Pro tip Give a proper 5 to 10 second hug on leaving and returning home — the longer you hug, the more oxytocin releases.
Watch out Expect initial awkwardness; audiences are furious when asked to hug strangers, then laugh and bond once they do.
- 2
Make one contribution a day
Ask daily: what is one simple contribution I have made to somebody else's life? Service to another person raises oxytocin in both parties, and in an individualistic world a stranger being kind is surprising enough to bridge the gap on its own.
Pro tip TJ's challenge is to buy a stranger a coffee — cheap, quick, and uncomfortable enough to make the effect obvious.
- 3
Socialise with eye contact and active listening
Quality and quantity of eye contact plus active listening determine whether socialising actually raises oxytocin. Active listening means not formulating your reply while the other person talks: take the time to listen, then respond.
Pro tip Open in-person meetings with a moment of physical embrace before the conversation starts.
Watch out A phone glanced at mid-conversation disrupts the connection even if you say nothing about it.
- 4
Practise gratitude at a fixed cue
Comparison is constantly thinking about what you do not have; gratitude is thinking about what you do have. Attach conscious grateful thoughts to an existing daily anchor — TJ uses brushing your teeth in the morning — so it becomes sustainable rather than aspirational.
Watch out Knowing you 'should be grateful' is not a practice; without a cue it does not happen.
- 5
Celebrate one achievement before sleep
As the last thing at night, review the day and identify your primary achievement. It can be small — a healthy lunch, a cleaned room, an important email sent. Repetition rewires self-talk the way practice rewires driving a car, building confidence and reinforcing the behaviours you want.
In the wild
Delivering mental health training at a company, TJ met a 55-year-old Japanese man who was averse to being put on the programme. During the section on hugging he came up privately and admitted he was no longer really hugging his wife. TJ set him a single challenge: a proper 5 to 10 second hug when he left for work and again when he came home.
→ He returned the next week visibly more energised and smiling, reporting that the couple felt more bonded, were talking more, and had reignited a part of their relationship that had been absent for nine years.
Working as a doctor, Ali Abdaal noticed his day job became more energising when, on the way to make his own tea, he would put his head into the nurses' office and offer to make theirs. Over time he learned each person's order — strength, milk, sugar. It cost him nothing because he had to wait for his own tea to steep anyway. He did the same with 20p scones a local baker donated to the hospital during the pandemic, bringing five or six back to the ward.
→ It added noticeably good vibes to the ward, made him feel good, and revealed acts of service as his love language.
Common mistakes
Substituting social media for connection
Stories, DMs and comments moderately satisfy the need to connect, which removes the desire to pursue meaningful connection. The chemical eventually kicks back by increasing loneliness to push you towards real contact.
Listening while planning your reply
Rehearsing your response while someone speaks means you are not listening. Oxytocin transfers through genuine attention, so the conversation feels hollow to both people despite the time spent.
Only auditing your mistakes at night
Most people talk to themselves like parents who name only what went wrong. That produces no self-belief. Without a daily achievement review, the negative pattern keeps reinforcing itself.
From the transcript
“the law of oxytocin is to make someone else in your life happy every day”
“on average of all 50,000 people we're at 1.6 hugs a day is what we've seen in our data and when you look into the…”
“there is two main things and it's qual quality and quantity of eye contact that occurs during the conversation and then what we call active…”
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