The Post-Date 8
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 7
- Confidence
- —
Dr. Logan Ury's post-date reflection exercise, built on gratitude-journal research from Shawn Achor and others: if you know you have to write down three things you're grateful for at the end of the day, your brain looks for them throughout the day. What we do at the end shapes what we look for during. Ury applies the same mechanism to dating with eight questions drawn from what research shows actually predicts long-term satisfaction. Questions like 'how did I feel in my body around this person?', 'do I feel curious about this person?' and 'what side of me did this person bring out?' redirect your attention on the date away from height and job title. It is a checklist, but one deliberately built around what matters rather than what doesn't.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal
How to run it
- 1
Understand the mechanism first
Ury's premise: knowing what you'll be asked at the end changes what you notice during. Gratitude journals work because the brain hunts for entries throughout the day.
Pro tip Read the eight questions before the date, not just after, so the priming actually happens.
- 2
Throw out the conventional checklist
Drop height, income, perceived success and shared hobbies. Ury says that checklist is built from what we think matters in long-term relationships, which the research shows doesn't.
Pro tip Be willing to date someone who isn't your type — the person who makes you happiest long term may not be the person you thought you'd end up with.
- 3
Ask how you felt in your body
Reflect on your physical state around this person rather than on their credentials.
Pro tip Distinguish excitement from anxiety — Ury flags that what feels like chemistry with an unreliable person is often anxiety.
- 4
Ask whether you feel curious about them
Curiosity about the person is a live signal that there's more to discover, independent of how impressive their profile is.
- 5
Ask what side of you they brought out
Ury calls this one huge, because it explains the 'great on paper' problem: someone can look perfect and reliably bring out a bad version of you.
Pro tip That single answer is often enough to decide not to see someone again, and Ury calls it a really helpful insight.
- 6
Score the energy — penthouse or basement
Ask whether you felt more energized or less energized after the date. Identify your penthouse people in the rest of your life — the ones who lift your energy and make you feel creative and inspired — and your basement people, who leave you depressed and de-energized.
Pro tip Ali's penthouse people include university friends, his brother (which is why they started a podcast together) and his housemate — use non-romantic benchmarks to calibrate.
- 7
Decide on the second date from these answers
At the end of the date, run the questions and decide whether you want to see this person again — based on the answers, not on whether they had an impressive job or enough hobbies in common.
In the wild
Ury says the 'what side of me did this person bring out?' question is the one that does the most work in her coaching. Someone can look ideal on every conventional metric, and the honest answer after the date is that they brought out a bad side of you. That single realisation resolves the confusion of liking someone's résumé while dreading their company.
→ A clear decision not to see the person again, arrived at from a real signal instead of a checklist of credentials.
Ury asks Ali who his penthouse person is — the person who raises his energy and makes him feel creative and inspired. He names a few university friends, his brother (the reason they started a podcast together) and his current housemate. Establishing that benchmark outside romance gives you something concrete to measure a date against, because the person you end up with should bring out that inspired, capable, creative part of you.
→ A usable energy benchmark that turns 'did I have a nice time?' into a comparison against people who reliably lift you.
Common mistakes
Rebuilding the height-and-income checklist
Ury's objection to checklists isn't the format, it's the contents. If your reflection questions drift back to job, height and shared hobbies, you've recreated exactly the filter the research says doesn't predict long-term happiness.
Overriding your own answers because they're attractive
The exercise only works if the answers can actually change your decision. Noting that they de-energize you and going back anyway because they're impressive wastes the whole reflection.
Only reflecting, never priming
The gratitude-journal mechanism depends on knowing the questions in advance so your attention shifts during the date. Reading them for the first time afterwards loses most of the benefit.
From the transcript
“So the post-date 8 is the same idea. I've taken what I believe and what the research shows matters for evaluating a date. I've turned…”
“it is a version of a checklist, but it's a checklist designed to help you focus on what matters, not what doesn't.”
“this one of what side of me did this person bring out is huge because it helps you understand great on paper brings out a…”
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