The Relationship Audit
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 7
- Confidence
- —
A scheduled check-in that Hannah Witton and Ali Abdaal both run with their partners, because the reflective conversations that matter almost never happen by default — day-to-day life crowds them out, especially in early dating when you see each other once or twice a week and something is always happening. The audit is a fixed cadence (Witton describes once a year, Ali runs one roughly every three weeks from a Notion template of about twelve questions), deliberately staged as something enjoyable — a date night, a walk, a favourite pub — so it never feels threatening in the lead-up. You work through a set list of questions in both directions, phrase everything in I-statements so nobody gets defensive, and agree adjustments as teammates rather than settling who was right.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal
How to run it
- 1
Pick a cadence and commit to it
Witton suggests once a year as a serious audit; Ali and his girlfriend do a lighter relationship review roughly every three weeks. Pick whatever interval means the conversation actually happens.
Pro tip Ali keeps the questions in a Notion template so it's as easy as pulling out a phone and saying 'shall we do our relationship review?'
Watch out Left to chance, these conversations don't happen — it's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and never find the time to reflect.
- 2
Set the environment for success
Make it a fun thing: dinner somewhere nice, a gig then your favourite pub, or a New Year's Day walk. Witton's point is it shouldn't feel like laptops out at the kitchen table.
Pro tip Whatever puts you both in an open, calm, relaxed mood is the right format — the context you create is part of the method.
Watch out Don't run the audit when either of you is already on edge.
- 3
Work through a fixed question list
Witton's version: how's the last year been for you, what were your highlights in the relationship, what were your low lights, is there anything you want to work on next year — for us, for me, or for you as an individual.
Pro tip Having the questions written down means neither person has to decide in the moment what's fair to raise.
- 4
Answer both ways
Each question gets answered by both partners. Ali's list includes what went well this week, how well supported you felt, what made you feel loved, appreciated or respected, what could I do better or differently, your main stresses and how I can help, and what went not so well.
- 5
Ask the hard question explicitly
Ali's version: 'is there anything at all I did this week that made you feel not nice, aka sad or bad or annoyed in any tiny way? How can I make it better for us?' He says it's the hard one, and the one that always yields the best data points.
Pro tip Naming 'in any tiny way' gives permission to raise things that would otherwise be dismissed as too small to mention.
Watch out Unspoken things simmer into resentment and anger and eventually come out in an uncontrolled way.
- 6
Answer in I-statements
Witton's rule, echoing what she hears from relationship therapists: not 'you did this and you made me feel', but 'I felt like this because of this thing that happened'. Own the feeling instead of pointing the finger.
Pro tip Ali links this to nonviolent communication — 'I feel like X when this happens' turns a statement into information rather than an accusation.
Watch out Coming in the accusatory way makes the other person defensive, and the conversation stops being productive.
- 7
Acknowledge your own baggage, then agree an adjustment
Recognise that part of a reaction may be about something from your past rather than your partner's behaviour, and ask to talk about it. Then agree a change — meeting where the other person is, or somewhere in the middle, for the time being while you work on it.
Pro tip The adjustment doesn't have to be permanent; the person may eventually go back to doing the thing.
Watch out 'My actions were reasonable, so I take zero responsibility for how you're feeling' misses the point — you're their teammate and their partner.
In the wild
Ali and his girlfriend run a relationship review roughly every three weeks off a Notion template of about twelve questions, which makes it as light as opening a phone and asking whether they should do it. The list covers what went well, how supported each felt, what made them feel loved or respected, what could be done better in the coming week, current stresses and how to help, and the deliberately uncomfortable question about anything at all that made the other feel not nice in any tiny way.
→ Small irritations surface as usable data points every few weeks instead of accumulating into resentment.
Witton's own version is far more informal — their last relationship audit was a walk on New Year's Day, essentially 'how's it been for you?' and 'any notes?'. With a baby on the way, she says the conversations come up naturally anyway, because they're constantly thinking about their dynamic and about the last few months of it being just the two of them: how's it going, and how do you want it to go?
→ A yearly, low-formality audit that still produces the reflection, showing the format can flex to the couple.
Common mistakes
Running the audit when you're already on edge
Witton is explicit that you don't want to do a relationship audit when you're tense. The environment and mood are part of the method — a fancy dinner or a walk sets you up for success in a way the kitchen table with laptops out doesn't.
Using 'you' statements instead of 'I' statements
Framing feedback as 'you did this, you're insensitive' triggers defensiveness and ends the productive part of the conversation. 'I felt like this because of this thing that happened' keeps it as information rather than an accusation.
Waiting for the conversation to happen naturally
Witton warns that unraised things simmer into resentment and anger and then come out in an uncontrolled way. Without a scheduled slot, the day-to-day crowds out reflection entirely.
From the transcript
“one of my favorite things in terms of communication relationships is like relationship audits and check-ins”
“if it's something that you do like once a year where you you um make it like a fun thing, you make it like a…”
“what went well in our relationship this week? How well supported by me did you feel this week? What's something I did that made you…”
From the episode
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