The State of the Union Meeting
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- —
A recurring, structured relationship meeting the Gottmans recommend to clients and to everyone else. It has three parts in a fixed order. It opens with each partner giving three to five appreciations for things the other has done — typically things that weren't thanked for at the time. The middle is the meaty part: anything that needs solving, decisions to be made, needs to be raised, and any past regrettable incidents to be processed. It closes with each person asking the other a single question: what is one way I can help you feel more loved in the coming week. The context is flexible — at home on a Sunday morning, out to dinner, or on a walk — but the structure isn't. Opening with gratitude and closing with a forward-looking request is what keeps issues discussable instead of adversarial.
Origin
Extracted from Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal
How to run it
- 1
Choose a context that fits your life
Everybody creates their own context. With kids running around the house you might go out; otherwise do it at home on a Sunday morning, over dinner, or while taking a walk — the Gottmans note that walking together is a particularly nice way to have that kind of joining conversation.
Pro tip Make it recurring and predictable so small grievances can be parked until the meeting rather than raised in the moment.
- 2
Open with three to five appreciations each
Each person begins by giving the other three to five appreciations for things they've done, and saying thank you — deliberately choosing things that weren't acknowledged at the time.
Watch out Skipping straight to grievances turns the meeting into a complaints hearing and it won't survive a month.
- 3
Work the middle — decisions, issues, unprocessed incidents
Bring up anything that needs solving, any decisions that need making, and any past regrettable incidents that need processing using the five-step repair. This is the meaty part of the conversation.
- 4
State needs as positive needs
Raise what you do want, not what you don't like or resent. 'I would love it if you cleaned the dishes three times a week, that would be such a big help to me' is a positive need; the resentment version sounds like criticism and triggers defensiveness.
Pro tip Frame the need so it lets your partner shine for you rather than defend themselves.
- 5
Close with the loving question
Each person asks the other: what is one way that I can help you feel more loved in the coming week. The Gottmans say this closing question is what really keeps relationships on track.
In the wild
Ali Abdaal describes running a version of this with his partner from roughly day one of their relationship, prompted by Logan Ury's book. They co-decided on ten questions and keep a Notion template they've been filling in for eighteen months. He says half his friends react with 'I need that in my life' and the other half find it weird, but he calls it one of the most worthwhile parts of growing together — partly because the small things that don't feel worth raising in the moment can always be pushed to the next review rather than either exploding or being swallowed.
→ Eighteen months of logged reviews and a reliable place to raise small grievances before they compound.
Common mistakes
Leading with problems, not appreciations
The three-to-five appreciations aren't ceremony — they set the positive-to-negative ratio for the whole meeting so the hard middle section can be heard.
Raising needs as resentments
Saying what you don't like sounds like criticism, the first Horseman. Flipping it into a request for what you do want gets the same information across without triggering defensiveness.
From the transcript
“it's called a state of the union meeting so you know we have a different name for it”
“the meeting begins with each person giving three to five appreciations um for things the other person has done”
“the meeting ends with the question um that each person poses to the other what is one way that I can help you feel more…”
From the episode
The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman
Drs John & Julie Gottman